1. Homedesk - desktop pc
2. Modem - could be refering to an actual modem or a desktop computer
3. Armatron pcu - it was any cpu of the AMD Athlon series.
4. PenJilam - Anything Pentium
5. Brain - Refering to one’s computer tower.
6. UBS Cable - A USB type cable.
7. Clerieon - Any Celeron series processor.
8. Windows 2007 - windows vista
9. Windows(you know the one with the grass hill) - Windows XP
10. Jigaplex / Jigabyte - Gigabyte
11. Memories - could be refering to ram or possibly Hard drive or a piece of data on the customers computer.
12. tetrabyte - terabyte
13. Re-Energizing - possibly refubishing and or reloading a computer.
14. Cut it on - Turn on the computer
15. knockout - a backplate
16. Predesesors - a procesor/ cpu
17. RAD Drivers - Commonly known as RAID to the rest of us, this can be talking about the actual controller or the RAID drivers themselves
18. Spyware - Could be refering to actual infection on customers machine, but mostly is refering to actual spyware PROTECTION
19. 2000 XP - Mostly the Windows XP operating system (usually an illegal copy)
20. Juice Charger - an ac adpter for a laptop or any other device.
21. Hard Disc - Usually another term for a PC, sometimes can even mean ‘monitor’
22. Latamore - any dell latitude laptop.
23. AMERICAN ONLINE - the worst service ever
24. Meeses - mice
25. Computer Cords - Mouse, Keyboard, and/or Monitor
26. Jiggahertz - Jigga what? I think you know.
—-A lady came in and asked if her heat sink was her spyware protector I responded no maam thats a piece of metal which you should probly use to kill yourself with.
27. We-fi - wifi
28. Solitary - The Solitaire Card game
29. Run Drive - Optical Drive
30. Files - Everything the customer wants saved off the computer (which could really mean anything)
31. KMD 62 - AMD K62 Processor
32. Can - Computer Case
33. pentium eye eye eye - pentium 3
34. Mozilla Firewall - Firefox
—- A guy came in and said he didn’t want XP Home because XP Professional had better virus protection
35. Windows XP - Microsoft Office
36. Dust Cover - PCI Metal Backplate
37. Ninavah - Biblical city Jonah saved (or NVidia if you’re Brian Williams)
38. Multiplex - Optiplex
39. Motherdrive - desktop computer
40. Printer - Monitor
41. Jigawatt - Interchangable with “Jigabyte”
42. Windows Vita - Windows Vista
43. CPI Slot - PCI Slot
44. Lanski - Linksys Product

This is made up by me and my fellow workers, do not distort!

Me: Basically you’d have to upgrade your whole system. New CPU, Motherboard and memory, possibly a new case and power supply as well.

Redundant Person: Can’t I use my old memory?

Me: No they are different types of memory, new motherboards will only support DDR2 and you have SD Ram

Redundant Person: I see… well I got some old sticks laying around at home that wouldn’t go into this machine, will they work?

Me: Is it DDR2 memory?

Redundant Person: No its a 512MB stick of this memory but my computer wouldn’t support it.

Me: No sir, it will only take DDR2, that’s the only type of Ram you can use.

Redundant Person : So I can’t use any of my old memory?

Me: No

Redundant Person: It won’t fit in the slot or something?

And this can go on, but as you see it’s people like this that continue to ask the same question in longer more drawn out ways no matter how many times you give it to them straight.

Me: How can I help you today?

Moron: Yeah, I’m looking for that new chip. The Centurion Predecessor.

Me: You mean a Celeron Processor?

Moron: No, my friend told me about it and told me it’s called the Centurion Predecessor! Do you guys have it?

Me:  So you’re looking for something that comes before a processor that doesn’t exist? No we don’t have that. But we do have the Celeron Processors.

Moron: Nah man, its called the Centurion Predecessor I guess you guys haven’t gotten it then. See ya later.

Now if this was her only fault, we could forgive her for it, but she spends as much time off the till as possible, either showing people where things are or just getting in the way, leaving her till unsecured as a whole host of high value goods wait for whomever has a keen eye and a quick hand, come the midday rush she gets relieved (can you guess why) and for the rest of her shift, she’s continually getting in the way, asking what things do, how to do something that doesn’t concern her, not a day goes past that I don’t get stressed with her because she is in my way and doesn’t understand that it’s not her job, she’s a till jockey, she doesn’t need to know the ins and outs of every other department.

Eatly August the local post office closed down and moved in to my store, taking up a quarter of my total floorspace, the post office has a different uniform, and their portion of the store is marked with green dividers welcoming people within, but still not a day goes past where in I do not get a customer come up with a parcel, asking me how much it would cost to send to Bogahbogah and when I politely wave them off to the post office, theymumble something about having not seen it there, I wonder how much bigger it would need tobe in order to get people’s attention?

Now, being the ultra-super genius that he is, of course he’d be able to tell if a computer failed the hard drive test but passed everything else, surely it must be a bad hard drive that’s causing the client such a headache. Well, being the super-genius he is, he declares that it’s the motherboard and the client should chuck the computer out and buy a new one.

He’s had 23 complaints to the store manager and it’s only his second week.

“I think it’s got a virus! It won’t turn on.”

“What’s the difference between a modem and a computer?”

“How do I turn the computer off?”

When I answer the phone, I say ‘Geeksquad, how may I help you?’ and this is the most said response.

“Is this the geeksquad?”

(more…)

The problem is as the project grows or the whims of the clients change a lot of these changes no longer really make sense any more. Every time this happens though I get called in or receive a phone call asking me to explain why I’ve been so short-sighted. Normally I don’t mind that so much and after a couple of glasses of Chianti I tend to forget about it.

After spending most of last weekend researching into ways the application can generate a quite specific report that the client requested, with other demands, I finally completed it mid-week. On Friday I received a phone call. Of course I no longer expect any thanks for any effort but I didn’t quite expect to be asked why I can’t even understand the most basic concepts.

It turns out that a couple of the buttons that he specifically asked to be a particular colour, to make them stand out, a couple of months back shouldn’t be that way. There needs to be greater uniformity and it shows a great lack of attention to detail on my behalf to have made them that colour.

This seems to be a recurring theme where I’m being reprimanded for others choices and mistakes. When someone is reprimanding me for their own choices and mistakes, can that be considered dumb or actually very clever?

Customer -”I’m afraid to eat this vanilla ice cream. It has black specks in it.”
Staff - “That would be the vanilla.”

Customer - “This juice tastes fishy.”
Staff - “It’s CLAMato juice sir.”

This is a small Pharmacy with a single til by the door for customers to purchase items quickly (when we have the staff to sit there..) and a Healthcare Pharmacy counter near the Dispensary.

It was one of those days, only 5 members in, most of which are upstairs arranging stock.

A arrogant woman stomps up to me and thrusts her basket in front of my Pharmacy advise table and declares “IS there no-one serving over there?!!”. it then flashes through my mind that for her to have made that little declaration she must have walked over there, MADE the observation, made her way over to me to fruitlessly ask…..

Now, I had no idea if she was being stupid or just plain rude, why state the OBVIOUS???

its just like when people ask “is there no staff?” in a accusative tone, or when they like to stand in the queue and bitch “ohhh theres only ONE serving” while they raise their voice hoping to send the other customers into rants domino style.

LOOK, we’ve ALL been there! but when I go into a store I look at the queues and MAKE the conscious decision to queue or not!!

Another of their favourite phrases is “no-wonder this place is going downhill.. everytime I come in here its worse” - well, if you REALLY think the service is THAT bad….why the HECK do you keep coming back to haunt ME?!!

Everyday they get ruder and ruder, I have a 1,000 tales to tell now…..

(more…)

He had just received a phone call from a customer who wanted to know if the Mart was open down the road at this hour and if so, did they sell an item. (I don’t remember what he was asking for). When my boyfriend told him, they do in fact sell that item and were open right now, the customer let out a sigh of relief and said “Good. Because I didn’t want to go down there if they were closed and get gang raped at this hour.” And then he hung up.

Alright, so today it was really busy with tons of people around the holiday season. Naturally, my line was backed up because of how many people were there. I had about eight or nine people waiting in line and I was currently making change for the customer in front of me. Well, this old lady walks up to me and holds out her sandwich and soda saying, “Can you ring this up for me?” as though I had no one else in my line and was doing NOTHING until she arrives with her items.

I told her, I couldn’t take her in front of the customers because it would be very rude to them. I then told her if she still wanted me to ring them up, she would have to get to the back of the line. She huffed and walked away from me, up to the service counter where she preceded to tell a manager that I refused service to her. Fun…

So he explained the situation. He brought some files a while back and needed some more. Problem is, his idea of a while is five years, and not really surprisingly things have moved on. We no longer carried the exact same budget 49p folders that we carried 5 years ago. Oh, they were clear alright, with the same number of pockets, but the spine and binding… Well that’s a different matter…

So he was pretty adamant and not so understanding of the whole idea of changing suppliers so I said I’ll see what the computer says we have left in the warehouse. At this point he expressed his surprise that staff nowadays didn’t know what stock the company kept. Despite the hundred of thousands of products he dismissed this as just another excuse…

So well, to get a discontinued product tracked down via the old suppliers and to place a special order at a cost to the store which would far exceed the three pounds he was going to spend would take a month. Did he really want to go ahead with this?

Yes… But he was outraged. In fact he had to spend a good five minutes explaining to me how when he ordered his new BMW with custom paintwork and interior, he had it shipped to the UK, and delivered to his house for only eighty odd grand how we as such a large company couldn’t do the same for a 49p file folder…

For fifty pence exactly how much customization can you expect to buy on a BMW?